


Captain's Orders

by TheChichiSlaughterHouse



Category: One Piece
Genre: Humour, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Marriage, Post-Whole Cake Island
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-19
Updated: 2019-09-19
Packaged: 2020-10-21 20:17:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20699273
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheChichiSlaughterHouse/pseuds/TheChichiSlaughterHouse
Summary: Zoro is woken up from his sleep by a weird demand from Luffy. Ah well, it's not like it means anything... right? ZoroxSanji.





	Captain's Orders

**Author's Note:**

> Captain’s Orders
> 
> By The Chichi Slaughter House
> 
> Warnings: ZoroxSanji, humour, marriage (yes), everyone bullying Zoro, Zoro’s POV, implied sexual content and Luffy being Luffy while Brook is his usual self – a ZoSan shipper like the rest of us.
> 
> Disclaimer: One Piece belongs to Eiichiro Oda.
> 
> Rating: PG-13
> 
> Another idea that’s likely done to death by now but you know what? I still don’t really care. If I haven’t written it then I’m gonna write it, and if I have written it I’ll just do it differently.
> 
> My mind’s still on WCI and the ramifications of that arc. There’s no real spoilers here unless you somehow don’t know what it’s about, which would be weird if you’re a ZoSan shipper. This was a joke thing that grew out of my reach (like they seem to do a lot recently) and not how I wanted to approach this concept for the first time but fuck it. I can’t restrict myself when I get a sudden burst of inspiration and if I’ve written it anyway I may as well post it.
> 
> And yes, I know this concept is based off a half-truth about sea captains and [matelotage](https://books.google.co.uk/books?id=wfmnli6hW_QC&pg=PA139&lpg=PA139&dq=pirate+matelotage&source=bl&ots=QwP82gyZq_&sig=ItatD0zWy1eHdcRTx2O965vie-8&hl=en&sa=X&ei=mmpXUca1Ceec0QXxtIHIAg#v=onepage&q=pirate%20matelotage&f=false) but let’s pretend it’s definitely a thing in the One Piece universe, okay? We’re here to have fun instead of be historically accurate today.
> 
> [Twitter](http://twitter.com/slaughterchichi) | [Tumblr](http://slaughterchichi.tumblr.com) | [Pillowfort](https://www.pillowfort.social/slaughterchichi) | [Curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/slaughterchichi)

“Zoro! Marry Sanji!”

Opening his eye lazily, Zoro looked over at his Captain with an air of calm. By now he was more than used to Luffy’s weird shouts, knew better than to react to them straight away. Taking it at face value usually ended up in getting frustrated; there was time needed to think it through before you responded, if only so you didn’t look stupid.

That said, there wasn’t much to think about this one.

“Ah? Why do I have to marry that idiot?”

“Sanji can’t get taken away to be married again if he’s already married!” Luffy declared, breathing air out of his nose like this was not only a great idea but something he wouldn’t budge on.

“I get what you’re saying but why me?” Zoro pushed himself up into a sitting position, scratching at the back of his head. He couldn’t exactly fault that logic, it did kind of make sense.

“You’ve got a last name. Sanji doesn’t like his.” Oh, of all the stupid reasons to— “Everyone else who does has someone they like. I won’t make them marry someone else.”

Zoro frowned. So he was the choice simply because he didn’t care about all that stuff, huh? But if that was the reasoning…

“Why not marry him yourself?”

Even as he said it, Zoro knew the answer. It was incredibly simple: just like his desire to be the Pirate King, Luffy wouldn’t do anything that took away from his freedom. Marriage to some extent was a shackle that the Captain wouldn’t bear.

Luffy just looked back at him, a determined look on his face. He didn’t bother answering the question, his arms crossed over his chest as he stared at Zoro. There was no reasoning with him when he was like this, no way to change his mind.

“…If you can get him to agree to it, fine.” The swordsman sighed as he leaned back against the wall and closed his eye again. He doubted with every bone in his body that Luffy would be able to accomplish that. There was no way the cook would let that happen; unlike Zoro, Sanji had no problem arguing with him even if it was fruitless.

“He already did.”

Zoro’s eye snapped open in shock as he darted back into a sitting position. In the distance behind Luffy he could already see Sanji in a white suit, his gaze averted. Probably also having agreed with a similar condition to get Luffy off his back, likely now regretting that course of action.

The Captain grinned as he grabbed Zoro by the arm and started dragging him across the floor to where Sanji was. Too startled to react, the swordsman blinked as he was hoisted onto his feet, a black jacket thrown over his shoulders.

Zoro cast a sideways glance over at Sanji, spying a bouquet of white roses in his arms and a bit of red on his cheeks. Embarrassment, most likely, from being forced into this bizarre situation with no escape route. Then again, it wasn’t like this would be an actual wedding anyway; they didn’t have a proper priest to begin with. If anything, it was just some make-believe to make Luffy happy. He supposed they could both live with that, just so Luffy would drop it.

The other Strawhats were gathered around them, all seemingly dressed up. Like they’d known this would happen in advance and perhaps planned for it. Well, travelling between islands got dull at times… it wasn’t like Zoro could blame them for taking this so seriously. It was a good distraction for them even if it was meaningless, even if it was ridiculous and a bit weird. He couldn’t help feeling irked by it though; if they had nothing better to do they should be training or making plans for something else!

Robin stood next to Luffy in front of them, whispering into the Captain’s ear. Luffy nodded to himself and then began the ‘ceremony’ in a loud voice.

Zoro did his utmost best not to roll his eye at the whole thing. Everyone’s excitement was just bizarre and the nervousness he could feel coming from Sanji at his right didn’t help make it any less so. All he really had to do was play along until he could go back to his nap, right? Couldn’t they make this farce go faster so he could sleep?

Robin gazed at him from over Luffy’s shoulder, a smile playing on her lips. Ah, right. Of course not. Not only did she make it a habit to tease him at times but she wasn’t the type to rush through things like this. Robin was a stickler for details when it came to ceremonies; such was her nature as a historian.

Instead of getting angry and causing a delay, Zoro just crossed his arms over his chest and attempted to be patient. Repeated what Luffy told him to without hesitation or any feeling, felt mild amusement when Sanji stuttered over it on his turn. At least he wasn’t the only one of them feeling weird about it – chances were, Sanji was screaming on the inside. The thought made him feel more calm, allowed him to get amusement out of it.

“I now pronounce you man and wife!” Oh good, it was finally over. Now he could settle back down and— “You may kiss the bride!”

Zoro faltered, his gaze casting around at everyone else. They all had smirks on their faces, all were leaning close and staring at them intently. Even as a joke this was taking it too far; there was no way in hell he was going to kiss Sanji of all people and certainly not like this! The sparkles in Brook’s eyes creeped him out, the unease doubling when he saw a similar look from Luffy. Goddammit.

Was this just some weird form of harassment for them now? They were all enjoying this way too much! He was probably just being bullied for saying it was fine if Sanji left to marry someone else, though they’d all known that it pissed him off. Leaving the crew for something stupid like that had gotten on his nerves, the truth only soothing things over a little bit. He was still mad that the idiot hadn’t just talked to them about it in the first place, had caused a mess from being secretive.

No one said anything, just waiting for him to make a move. Zoro scowled to himself.

He just had to kiss him, right?? A peck on the cheek or whatever. Nothing too out there, just something to get this bloody well over with.

He turned to Sanji with a grim look, fully expecting the cook to be in the same position. Uncomfortable, agitated and ready to kick his head in if he tried anything funny. What he actually saw was the opposite.

Sanji had definitely turned to him but now his whole face was red. He wasn’t looking him in the eye – in fact, his eyes were squeezed shut. Sanji’s hands were both still clutched onto the bouquet and it was trembling between them, giving away the anxiety that the cook was feeling. Was he also in on this? If it was some elaborate ploy to play a prank then Zoro was genuinely surprised how far he was willing to go for it. Maybe one of the women had offered him something so he’d play along.

Agitated by the lot of them, Zoro decided to change his plans. Fine, if they wanted a kiss they were damn well going to get one. He was going to have the last laugh when they all got surprised and started freaking out.

Determined now, he wrapped both of his arms around Sanji’s waist and tugged him as close as he could get. The cook flinched slightly but made no move to pull away, likely trying to beat him in a battle of wills over who would break first. Too bad for Sanji, Zoro wasn’t feeling in the mood to back down.

Leaning over, Zoro pressed his lips to Sanji’s. Much to his surprise they were incredibly soft and smooth, slightly slippery like he was wearing something on them. Of course, he couldn’t stop here; pushing more firmly as he shoved his tongue into Sanji’s mouth out of spite. Trying to teach him a lesson for playing along, for trying to mess with him.

Though it was intended to be some sort of revenge and not enjoyable, he found himself not hating it. Sanji wasn’t fighting back against him but wasn’t joining in either, just breathing through his nose as his face went ever-redder. Somehow it just made Zoro want to tease him more; becoming slightly more aggressive just to try and get a reaction out of him. It wasn’t like the cook to be this obedient and let him do what he wanted – why hadn’t he already lashed out yet?

The rest of the crew broke out into whistles and cheers around them, yelling cries of encouragement and completely putting Zoro off. As he pulled back from Sanji in surprise at their reaction, Franky shot some weird streamers out of his hands and shoulders, covering them in bright and sparkly confetti.

Stunned, Zoro allowed himself to be pulled away, being forced to sit as a mug of sake was pushed into his hand. They were really going all in on this, huh? As he looked into the clear liquid he could tell it was high quality stuff, his eye narrowing. He had no problem with being given good booze but this was starting to seem oddly suspect. Maybe they just wanted an excuse to party again but was this really necessary for something like that? They didn’t need a reason to do such things – they could just have a banquet if they wanted one!

Well, if nothing else at least he had something to wash away the taste of Sanji from his mouth. He lifted the mug and took a long swig, ignoring the odd sense of disappointment he could feel in his stomach. Not that he was actually disappointed in that – he was annoyed that his action hadn’t gotten the response he’d been expecting! That was it, nothing else.

After a little while, Sanji was pushed to sit down next to him, a glass of red wine in his hand. Brook started playing music as the others sang along, the whole lot of them back to their usual banquet antics and making it all feel a bit more normal.

“Hm. I’m surprised you played along with this, cook.” Zoro grumbled, not really looking at Sanji. “Letting them fake marry you to me.”

Sanji turned to him immediately, laying a hand on his arm and drawing his gaze back.

“…Uh, what?” Sanji seemed more nervous than he’d been earlier. More surprised than he had any right to be, especially since Zoro’s attempt at pissing him off hadn’t worked. “You know Captains can marry people and it’s legally binding, right?”

Zoro spat out the drink in his mouth, spraying it all over Sanji’s suit.

“WHAT?”

As Sanji started yelling at him for being disgusting and ruining his clothes, the reality of the situation dawned on the swordsman. This hadn’t been a prank or a joke at all; it was the real thing. Without really knowing anything about it, Zoro had actually wound up married to Sanji.

When night fell, the concept still hadn’t quite sunk in. Zoro had drunk a lot to try and calm himself down over being played like a fiddle, annoyed beyond all measure that he’d somehow allowed this to happen. Pissed that everyone had gone along with it, that Sanji didn’t seem bothered at all. If anyone should be angry, surely it was the woman-crazy cook?? But no, he’d just been calm after he’d changed clothes and mingled with the others like it somehow wasn’t a huge deal.

As he stumbled to the men’s quarters to get some rest, a hand slapped onto his shoulder. Nami was beaming at him, a catty look in her eyes.

“Where do you think you’re going, Zoro? It’s your wedding night.”

Dragged around for what felt like the millionth time that day, Zoro scowled as he was stopped in front of a door he didn’t recognise. It was decorated with weird hearts and on the handle was a ‘do not disturb’ sign. He glanced over at Nami, taking in her smirk.

“Oi, what kind of—”

She shoved him through it before he could even finish talking, closing the door behind him with a loud slam. Laid out on the floor was a double futon, rose petals strewn over it. Just seeing it made Zoro go red, knowing exactly what it was there for, the intention obvious.

He was about to turn around and leave when he heard voices outside the door, belonging to Robin and Sanji. Though Sanji sounded panicked and nervous, the only thing in Robin’s tone was amusement.

The cook was pushed through the door as unceremoniously as Zoro had been, though Sanji seemed far worse for wear as he stumbled forwards onto his knees. At any other time the swordsman would have laughed at him for being so unsteady on his feet – they were his weapons, weren’t they? What little discipline he must have to fail to use them correctly – but was far too surprised by what Sanji was wearing to even speak.

The cook was no longer in any kind of suit, no type of clothing he’d ever seen him in before. It was red, somewhat see-through and though it was billowy it was clinging to his skin wherever it was touching it. Sanji’s face was almost as red as his clothes as he looked up at Zoro like a deer caught in headlights.

Any semblance of logic or self-control was lost at the sight, Zoro grabbing Sanji by the arm and flinging him onto the bed before he could even think it through. He crawled on top of him as Sanji twisted onto his back, kissing him hard on the mouth as his hands grabbed at his skin.

Alright, fine. If they were married, he might as well get the full experience. Whether this was by his own will or not, Roronoa Zoro didn’t do things in half-measures nor shirk from his responsibilities. He always did his best to perform his duties, no matter how unreasonable or ridiculous they were.

And while this was somehow both at once, he had to admit that it wasn’t all that bad: at least his ‘wife’ had a great ass.


End file.
